As a minister, I am faced with death frequently with the passing of Dharma friends from my temples and in the community.
As ministers, we participate in comfort services for members before they pass away, bedside services after the death, funerals and subsequent memorial services. I frequently get asked if this is the most difficult part of being a minister. Yes, it is true. It is difficult and it deeply saddens me when Dharma friends pass away. But I think the experience of losing and grieving my mother shaped my ministry in such a way that sitting with the grief of others and supporting families who have lost a loved one is not difficult for me and providing comfort to them is my first priority.
In Buddhism, impermanence and interdependence are foundational teachings and our Dharma messages explore them often. However, we may not truly realize the truth and intensity of these tenets of Buddhism until we are faced with the loss of a loved one.
After a loss, we may experience the immense grief of impermanence because the physical connection with our loved one has been cut.
However, the deep connection of our lives and the love shared between us can remind and comfort us that this bond between hearts and minds will never be severed. With time, we may begin to see that these two teachings, impermanence and interdependence, walk hand in hand in our healing.
This sentiment is beautifully described by poet Joanne Boyle, who shares her poetry on Facebook under the name Heartfelt. She wrote:
“So, grief walked up to love,
and asked if it would dance.
Love blamed grief for everything
and rudely answered ‘no chance.’
“Grief stood there watching love.
Knowing there was nothing it could do.
It shared in every teardrop
and felt the heartache too.
“Love hated grief so fiercely,
and prayed for it to go away.
Grief could never leave though
and it was here to stay.
“Every day it asked the same question,
‘Love, please dance with me.’
Everyday was met with the answer
‘Please just leave me be.’
“Grief and love shared every moment.
Every thought was just the same.
Every day they fought a battle,
Of love along with blame.
“Grief finally stopped asking,
and pulled love to its chest.
Together they swayed to memories,
and shared their empty nest.
“Grief never let go of love again.
They made better music as one.
After all if there was no love,
then grief wouldn't belong.”
The Buddha understood that being parted from loved ones is a deep form of suffering. Grief and its stages and all of the feelings experienced are natural expressions of loss. After my mother’s passing, I wished my grief could magically be taken away from me and I found myself yearning every day for more time with her. My grief ran so deeply and my heart was so broken, which left me wondering, “How do I live my life without her?”
Through the Buddha’s teachings, it allowed me to understand and awaken to these expressions of loss as expressions of love, which are beautifully expressed in Joanne Boyle’s poem.
The grief and tears I cried were expressions of the immense love that I have for her. I have gained awareness to see the interdependence of my life and how many karmic conditions of my mother’s life and those before her had to occur for her to be my mother. The gratitude and love for my mother grew and I began to clearly see the beautiful characteristics of her that made her uniquely my mother, such as being generous, funny, selfless, loving, thoughtful, dedicated, and so much more.
This awareness of impermanence in our lives also urges us to deepen our awareness of interdependence and the preciousness of this one and only life we have.
Rennyo Shonin’s letter, “On the White Ashes” (“Hakkotsu no Sho”) states, “By so understanding the meaning of death, we shall come to fully appreciate the meaning of this life which is unrepeatable and thus to be treasured above all else.”
As we reflect upon the life and passing of our loved one, we can think about all of their unique and special qualities and also reflect upon how all of their love, care and support sustained our lives. This reflection can create a deeper appreciation of our lives, inspiring us to continue to live, grow, heal and appreciate the conditions and people who sustain us to live this one and only life that we have.
As the Three Treasures remind us, “Hard is it to be born into human life. Now we are living it.” Let us live with a deep sense of gratitude, witness the dance between impermanence and interdependence in our lives, and live with the Nembutsu in our hearts.
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